Every time this happens it is a new chapter in my life. I have a new life growing inside me. Now I am six weeks and the nausea has set in. I feel awful.
I asked God for this. When I was pregnant with the baby I lost I had no symptoms of pregnancy. When I was pregnant with my current 1 year old, I had only fatigue no nausea and that scared me. So as a mercy, I knew what I was asking but sometimes mercy comes to us as suffering, I asked for morning sickness.
I thought that would fix my insecurities. It did not. For not only am I plagued with nausea and fatigue, I am also crampy and uncomfortable. I am not bleeding. But I keep thinking, "No I am not bleeding yet."
I try to keep my struggles in perspective. First of all I understand that suffering is redemptive. My suffering, whether physical or emotional, or psychological can help me purify my soul and learn to focus on God as my suffering savior. Jesus suffered. Mary suffered. Who am I to expect that I shouldn't suffer?
God in his infinite Mercy and Kindess gives us our struggles and joys in order that we may reach heaven. Since my sister died in April I have been thinking a lot about the purpose of life. This life is meaningless unless we live forever. Our lives are short, full of suffering, and don't matter to the vastness of time and the universe, unless the purpose of our lives is to eventually live for ever.
We live to love God and to ultimatley proove our love for him, denying everything else, and going to be with him in heaven.
So I asked for suffering. I got suffering. And my suffering is teaching me, "Trust God". I don't know if I will get to carry my newest child to term. I don't know if I will die in a car crash tomorrow either. I can not know the future.
But I do know this. I quote St. Francis De Sales "God's will for you is both just and merciful". I have meditated on that phrase constantly since I lost my sweet baby in 2011. I have meditated on it every time I encounter suffering, because I 'feel' I am being treated unjustly when I am suffering.
I did not want to be present when my sister died. I was there. God knew what I wanted, but He knew better that I needed to be there. I was there.
I was trying to avoid suffering, and every time I try to avoid suffering, God loves me and makes sure that the suffering I do encounter is manageable.
This is my Journey now. After my sister died. I knew that I wanted to start a new chapter in my life. I wanted to create life. Now I asked God to help me trust in Him. Trust Him, so that He could decide my future. My husband and I wanted another child. But we didn't conceive when I expected to, and I thought the time is not right. I had this internal struggle. Struggling between what I wanted and what God was giving me. And also thinking myself selfish, because I wasn't having trouble conceiving, it just wasn't happening as quickly as I wanted.
Then God blessed me and I conceived. And I am happily feeling awful. And unhappily feeling awful, because I am paranoid and the signs are not clear to me. I don't know what God is going to ask of me in the future. And so I have only one choice. Know that God is in charge of my path and not me. I need to choose the path that leads to God and accept all the bumps and rocks and narrowness as blessings. They make me stronger because the path is steep and narrow, and I need preparation for the days ahead.
So I ask you to join me on my journey. I will update as often as I can.