Tuesday, November 12, 2013

25 weeks

Wow. 25 weeks already. I am way behind. I have all sorts of things I want to make for my baby and things I want finished, but nothing seems to be making any progress but the size of my belly and the growth of this little one.

Honestly today I felt very good because I actually emptied my sink for the first time in three days. My sink is clean and empty. My floor is vacuumed. My kids are in bed. And finally we pretty much finished school for the day. My kindergartener quit after phonics and I couldn't get her attention again. This is my life right now.

I can't get anything done, my food budget needs work, I hate my meal plan for the week, and I am totally overwhelmed with planning the financials of this birth. Normally I would just try very hard to say, God will provide. Only this time, I have to actually do something. I can't just sit back and wait for a miracle. Normally I have no choice but to just do nothing but pray and allow God to work. But this time I have to make a decision, and God help me make the right one.

I have never been extremely prudent. Prudence is virtue of making good decisions. I always think I am being prudent until I make the decision then I'm sure I made the wrong one. And this time I was so confident that I made the most prudent decision.

Now I need to figure out to go forward and be able to pay for this baby. And this is more complicated than having the money. There are a number of moving parts here. I need to trust God, but I'm having more trouble trusting myself. Most days, with all this chaos that surrounds me, I just want to cry. And cry. And cry. Problem is that won't even make me feel better. It won't get the dishes done, the lunch made, school completed, or the laundry washed and folded. Nope. It will just waste my time, and I do that well enough with out adding an emotional break down to the mix.

Forgive me for this particular emotional break down. It's like I've waited all day for it. As soon as this particular problem is fixed, hopefully we will only have smooth sailing ahead.

Half way

21 weeks today. I can not believe it. Time is going by so fast. I remember with my first pregnancy that nine months was way too long to wait to have a baby. And pregnancy was just ok. I was sick all the time and i had horrible back problems. I was waiting for the day that I would see my beautiful sweet baby. Then with my second I started to appreciate more the journey to the finish line. And so with each subsequent a pregnancy i have learned to appreciate the pregnancy part more. I truly feel the magic of caring a living human being with in yourself now. It is remarkable feeling this little creation move and know that I participated in making him, or her.

Preparation for the labor has become a very special activity to me. Labor is like like nothing else in the world. The pain is tremendous, but the experience is transcendent. So many time when thinking about labor during this pregnancy i am reminded of bible verses and Christ's own words. Constantly we see the image of a woman wailing in the pain of child birth.

Why, does God so often remind us of this image?
The woman wailing in the throws of labor until she brings forth her child.
Often we see image when we talk of Israel waiting for Christ and we see this image also compared to purgatory, and to us on earth awaiting heaven. I strangely desire this experience so that i may live out part of the images of the Bible. That sounds very strange. I don't even like the way it sounds when I say it out loud. I sound crazy. I'm not looking forward to the pain. No actually, before I even became pregnant this time, I was waking up in the middle of the night with the anxiety of going through labor. I knew I wanted another child. I wanted to be pregnant. I was scared of the pain of child birth. But then as time went on, that fear faded. I know it will l hurt, but I'm not afraid anymore.