Monday, November 28, 2011

Why did I choose this life?

I have been reading so many blogs lately about mothers feeling run-down, depleted, defeated, and exhausted. I'm sure some of this is partly due to the holidays. Mothers, stay at home mothers in particular, are in charge of the holiday gatherings, activities, decorations, prepartions, and food. It is overwhelming. But I think there is more to it than that. Moms in general have just been venting on their blogs about how hard and unpleasant it is to be moms...

So I was think about this and how I identify with them. The strive for perfectionism, except for me I strive for mediocrity. I haven't reached a point were I can strive for perfection. Not just that, dealing with the day to day horror of children fighting, mess making, dinner making, dealing with husbands, and, the big one, being pregnant, or having a new born. These things sound terrible. Why would anyone want to live this life of constant self sacrifice and sleep deprivation and serving people who don't usually appreciate it?

I love it. I do. I love this life of trying to find room in a place that seems to be full. Ok I'll admit that some times life seems tough and awful, but compared to the times it's not, wow. I had a friend who doesn't have kids say to me, "Wow, that seems really hard. You don't get any time off at all." Yes, sometimes I wake up in the morning and I think, "I wish I could just sleep all day." But who doesn't think that sometimes. Sometimes I wish I could just escape. Have you never fantasized about up and leaving work for the day? Some parts of motherhood are a lot like a regular job.

But I doubt any career will belly laugh when you make a funny face. I doubt any job will bring you a drawing of you wearing a pink dress. I doubt any portion of money will hold your face and say, "I lub you."

Those moments are to die for, and I live them every day. Everyday I have a baby, a tot, and a kid, who tell me they love me, things I already know, and things I have never heard before. I love being a mom, and I dread when I won't have a baby, a tot, and a kid, because this life fits me so well right now, it's hard to imagine life without them. Sure I'll have more time to myself, but I won't have time with them, that's something I'm not ready for. I have always dreamed of being a mom, and this is greater than anything I dreamed.