Tuesday, November 12, 2013

25 weeks

Wow. 25 weeks already. I am way behind. I have all sorts of things I want to make for my baby and things I want finished, but nothing seems to be making any progress but the size of my belly and the growth of this little one.

Honestly today I felt very good because I actually emptied my sink for the first time in three days. My sink is clean and empty. My floor is vacuumed. My kids are in bed. And finally we pretty much finished school for the day. My kindergartener quit after phonics and I couldn't get her attention again. This is my life right now.

I can't get anything done, my food budget needs work, I hate my meal plan for the week, and I am totally overwhelmed with planning the financials of this birth. Normally I would just try very hard to say, God will provide. Only this time, I have to actually do something. I can't just sit back and wait for a miracle. Normally I have no choice but to just do nothing but pray and allow God to work. But this time I have to make a decision, and God help me make the right one.

I have never been extremely prudent. Prudence is virtue of making good decisions. I always think I am being prudent until I make the decision then I'm sure I made the wrong one. And this time I was so confident that I made the most prudent decision.

Now I need to figure out to go forward and be able to pay for this baby. And this is more complicated than having the money. There are a number of moving parts here. I need to trust God, but I'm having more trouble trusting myself. Most days, with all this chaos that surrounds me, I just want to cry. And cry. And cry. Problem is that won't even make me feel better. It won't get the dishes done, the lunch made, school completed, or the laundry washed and folded. Nope. It will just waste my time, and I do that well enough with out adding an emotional break down to the mix.

Forgive me for this particular emotional break down. It's like I've waited all day for it. As soon as this particular problem is fixed, hopefully we will only have smooth sailing ahead.