Happy birthday Katii!

My sister Katii passed away last year battling lymphoma. I just want to reflect a
Iittle on her today. I started this on her birthday January 23, but I finished today.

I asked her help with making lunch on her birthday. I believe she inspired me.  I believe in the communion of saints, and that Katii and I can talk and help each other even though we are separated by earthly death. The meal was a success.

Katii was a fantastic cook, she was a model mother, and had an eye for beauty. I wanted to be like her when I was little, and when I grew up, I wanted her good habits and skills. I think about her frequently. Often memories of ways she helped me. She was a big sister, a model big sister. She took care of me when I was a baby and has helped me all the way even into adulthood.

I always felt special sharing my birth month with her. She was the oldest girl and I the youngest. Our birthdays were in January. I got to share it with her. This was just one of the many things I felt I had in common with Katii. I thought we were so alike. We had the same long golden hair (hers was longer), the same teeth, the same height, same love of shoes (she probably loved them more). I just always, even when I was very young, thought of myself as a little Katii. When I was little, In my mind, my three sisters paired off, Tessa and Lena, Katii and me.

I really miss her. I feel like I missed so many opportunities to be with her and learn from her. I don't even have a recent picture of us. The only one I found was from my wedding, nine years ago.

Happy Birthday, Katii! Pray for me! Pray that by God's grace one day we will be happy together again.

25 weeks

Wow. 25 weeks already. I am way behind. I have all sorts of things I want to make for my baby and things I want finished, but nothing seems to be making any progress but the size of my belly and the growth of this little one.

Honestly today I felt very good because I actually emptied my sink for the first time in three days. My sink is clean and empty. My floor is vacuumed. My kids are in bed. And finally we pretty much finished school for the day. My kindergartener quit after phonics and I couldn't get her attention again. This is my life right now.

I can't get anything done, my food budget needs work, I hate my meal plan for the week, and I am totally overwhelmed with planning the financials of this birth. Normally I would just try very hard to say, God will provide. Only this time, I have to actually do something. I can't just sit back and wait for a miracle. Normally I have no choice but to just do nothing but pray and allow God to work. But this time I have to make a decision, and God help me make the right one.

I have never been extremely prudent. Prudence is virtue of making good decisions. I always think I am being prudent until I make the decision then I'm sure I made the wrong one. And this time I was so confident that I made the most prudent decision.

Now I need to figure out to go forward and be able to pay for this baby. And this is more complicated than having the money. There are a number of moving parts here. I need to trust God, but I'm having more trouble trusting myself. Most days, with all this chaos that surrounds me, I just want to cry. And cry. And cry. Problem is that won't even make me feel better. It won't get the dishes done, the lunch made, school completed, or the laundry washed and folded. Nope. It will just waste my time, and I do that well enough with out adding an emotional break down to the mix.

Forgive me for this particular emotional break down. It's like I've waited all day for it. As soon as this particular problem is fixed, hopefully we will only have smooth sailing ahead.

Half way

21 weeks today. I can not believe it. Time is going by so fast. I remember with my first pregnancy that nine months was way too long to wait to have a baby. And pregnancy was just ok. I was sick all the time and i had horrible back problems. I was waiting for the day that I would see my beautiful sweet baby. Then with my second I started to appreciate more the journey to the finish line. And so with each subsequent a pregnancy i have learned to appreciate the pregnancy part more. I truly feel the magic of caring a living human being with in yourself now. It is remarkable feeling this little creation move and know that I participated in making him, or her.

Preparation for the labor has become a very special activity to me. Labor is like like nothing else in the world. The pain is tremendous, but the experience is transcendent. So many time when thinking about labor during this pregnancy i am reminded of bible verses and Christ's own words. Constantly we see the image of a woman wailing in the pain of child birth.

Why, does God so often remind us of this image?
The woman wailing in the throws of labor until she brings forth her child.
Often we see image when we talk of Israel waiting for Christ and we see this image also compared to purgatory, and to us on earth awaiting heaven. I strangely desire this experience so that i may live out part of the images of the Bible. That sounds very strange. I don't even like the way it sounds when I say it out loud. I sound crazy. I'm not looking forward to the pain. No actually, before I even became pregnant this time, I was waking up in the middle of the night with the anxiety of going through labor. I knew I wanted another child. I wanted to be pregnant. I was scared of the pain of child birth. But then as time went on, that fear faded. I know it will l hurt, but I'm not afraid anymore.

Happy 2nd Trimester!

That's right. I am finally 13 weeks along. The second trimester is supposed to be full of energy and well being. So far I still have some stomach and digestion issues as well as some food aversions that only hit me every once in a while. The real kicker is how tired I have been since Saturday! I am so flippin tired I can barely believe it; however, I am thrilled to not be as anal about my coffee consumption as baby is growing pretty big.

As far as my back is concerned, yoga does help, but it still bothers me occasionally especially when I am under certain kinds of stress. I think the back thing is becoming manageable, and I am happy about that.

This baby will be my fifth home birth. I am very excited about it. What I have learn is that preparations for labor can never be started too early. My sister, mother of 9, all homebirths, advised me that as soon as I am excited about preparing I should get on it. If I put it off, I may not feel I have the energy, and I have found that to be true.

Labor preparation has many different aspects to it. There is preparing your body, mind, soul, your home, and ensuring you have the supplies you need. I need to move my son out of his sisters' room so I will have to redecorate the 'girl' room and decorate the 'boy' room. Also I homeschool, so this year we are trying out a different area of our house as our 'school' room. That is going to need to be all prepared. I need to organize the baby stuff and the labor stuff. On top of this is also the exercises I need to do to get my body totally ready for a great birth.

I am feeling a little overwhelmed right now. I will be responsible for what at this point seems like so many children; I have to face labor again. While labor is an amazing event, unlike anything I know of, it is incredibly intense and painful. So I have some ideas as how to maximize pain management. I have finally realized that is what my objective is, so far as pain.

I came across a device called Laboraide. I don't know anyone who has used this, but the concept is intriguing. It is a dental appliance. It holds your mouth slightly open. I believe this would allow for vocalization and prevent teeth grinding. I'm sure you could just used a rag to bite down on, for a very traditional approach, but this would allow for mouth breathing. Supposedly this is one of the benefits, I guess because it allows the woman more oxygen and therefore more energy.

This is were I am currently with my pregnancy. I am enthusiastically awaiting new development!

11 weeks

It's complaint time! My back hurts. It is completely messing me up. I can't do anything because my lower back is aching so bad.

Honestly, first I was afraid this was the first symptom of a miscarriage. I tried very hard to be calm and stress free, but after the last two years I realize, even if you don't actually feel stressed your brain is still stressing, if you are encountered with a stressful situation.

That aside. I don't feel as though I am miscarrying anymore, because a massive dose of nausea hit me. God is good! Yes, more suffering, but it is a relief to be reminded that things are probably ok.

Well, a great way to manage this problem is yoga stretches. I did my stretches, and my back still hurts. I just drank my coffee for the day, and as I'm waiting for it to kick in I have decided to blog.

I am so psyched that I am 11 weeks. I am almost done with the first trimester. I really cannot wait until Sunday. As each week passes, I feel more secure, because my chances of losing my baby reduce, while the don't disappear.  I swear that every once in while I feel something in my belly. I cannot wait until I can definitely feel those kicks and twists.

Today I was just thinking how blessed I am to have some many wonderful kids. I am surrounded by my children, and they are happy, and sweet, and cute, and now I get to add to their number. This amazing thing that I am allowed to create and cultivate using my own body is so amazing, and in about 7 more months, I will welcome a sweet child into this world. Then I will snuggle and kiss this baby. I will count his toes, and I will name him.

God is so good to allow me to share in 
His creative power.

Mornings Uhg

I don't want this post to sound like complaining. It will probably sound at least a little complainy...
I'm first trimester pregnant which means fatigue and nausea. But also in the case of this baby: headaches, dizziness, back pain, the shakes, hunger and feeling downright awful. Plus I can't get out of bed in the morning. I mean who would want to anyway, right?

Now I really want a big cup of coffee and I am trying to determine the safety of it because I don't drink coffee everyday anymore but... I just want a hot, sweet cup of deliciousness. So They say two cups a day right? Maybe after lunch I will indulge.

I had a big cup the day before yesterday. Yesterday I was running around all over the place. And yesterday I felt crampy. Anxiety about everything I do.

My Newest Journey

Every time this happens it is a new chapter in my life. I have a new life growing inside me. Now I am six weeks and the nausea has set in. I feel awful.

I asked God for this. When I was pregnant with the baby I lost I had no symptoms of pregnancy. When I was pregnant with my current 1 year old, I had only fatigue no nausea and that scared me. So as a mercy, I knew what I was asking but sometimes mercy comes to us as suffering, I asked for morning sickness. 

I thought that would fix my insecurities. It did not. For not only am I plagued with nausea and fatigue, I am also crampy and uncomfortable. I am not bleeding. But I keep thinking, "No I am not bleeding yet." 

I try to keep my struggles in perspective. First of all I understand that suffering is redemptive. My suffering, whether physical or emotional, or psychological can help me purify my soul and learn to focus on God as my suffering savior. Jesus suffered. Mary suffered. Who am I to expect that I shouldn't suffer?

God in his infinite Mercy and Kindess gives us our struggles and joys in order that we may reach heaven. Since my sister died in April I have been thinking a lot about the purpose of life. This life is meaningless unless we live forever. Our lives are short, full of suffering, and don't matter to the vastness of time and the universe, unless the purpose of our lives is to eventually live for ever.

We live to love God and to ultimatley proove our love for him, denying everything else, and going to be with him in heaven.  

So I asked for suffering. I got suffering. And my suffering is teaching me, "Trust God".  I don't know if I will get to carry my newest child to term. I don't know if I will die in a car crash tomorrow either. I can not know the future.

But I do know this. I quote St. Francis De Sales "God's will for you is both just and merciful". I have meditated on that phrase constantly since I lost my sweet baby in 2011. I have meditated on it every time I encounter suffering, because I 'feel' I am being treated unjustly when I am suffering. 

I did not want to be present when my sister died. I was there. God knew what I wanted, but He knew better that I needed to be there. I was there. 

I was trying to avoid suffering, and every time I try to avoid suffering, God loves me and makes sure that the suffering I do encounter is manageable. 

This is my Journey now. After my sister died. I knew that I wanted to start a new chapter in my life. I wanted to create life. Now I asked God to help me trust in Him. Trust Him, so that He could decide my future. My husband and I wanted another child. But we didn't conceive when I expected to, and I thought the time is not right. I had this internal struggle. Struggling between what I wanted and what God was giving me. And also thinking myself selfish, because I wasn't having trouble conceiving, it just wasn't happening as quickly as I wanted. 

Then God blessed me and I conceived. And I am happily feeling awful. And unhappily feeling awful, because I am paranoid and the signs are not clear to me. I don't know what God is going to ask of me in the future. And so I have only one choice. Know that God is in charge of my path and not me. I need to choose the path that leads to God and accept all the bumps and rocks and narrowness as blessings. They make me stronger because the path is steep and narrow, and I need preparation for the days ahead.

So I ask you to join me on my journey. I will update as often as I can.